What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 03.07.2025 04:59
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was 9 years of age.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And i lived it daily.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
What is the cost of implementing synchronized traffic lights in a mid-sized city?
I couldn’t, believe it.
But it wasn’t much.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
How many boxes 600 x 400 x 200 go into a 20ft container?
But ive been too sick for many years..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But, we were locked up after school.
Was to survive, this bastard.
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She wouldn,t have been !
We were not on the streets..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She was in good health!
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Would this be the day?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We all went to grammer schools
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
This is soul school!.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
When she asked me how she looked .
I have no regrets .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I don,t even have a pension.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My life is so biszare .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As i do to all so called friends.?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
All the time i was locked up.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Comes on , in middle age.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
What did i know ?
Who then, do I blame.?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was scared of men, in general
So, i spoilt her more .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was seconnd youngest,
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
So whats the point in blame.
I will be 64.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She married twice! .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Especially a lifetime of it.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I waited trembling.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Ive learnt so much.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My family never makes their pension either.
He knew the spot.
It was going to be , some day.
I write beautiful poetry .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She found it foreign!.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Im still living with it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He resisted the act ,that day.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One cannot live in the past .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She loved him until the end.
Put me off passion for life!!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I said to her
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
(And it was in our own minds.)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I never cut or harmed myself..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I think the readers, may guess!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was very sick at this time too.